So You Want Your Kid Out of the Basement....

Summer's come-- and now gone-- and while it was fun to have your college-graduate around the house for a few months, their persistent non-response to, “Have you thought about what kind of job you might get?” is becoming worrying. With this in mind, here’s a down-and-dirty list of things you can do to help them present their best self:

Listen to Their Voice Mail Message:

Voice mail is often the first contact the majority of the world has with us. And while you know that anything along the lines of “Yo dawg!” isn’t going to wow, I would also encourage them to stand while recording it to give their voice resonance, speak slowly enough that the caller is sure they’ve reached the correct person, and record it in a silent space: no background music, television, highway or restaurant sounds…

Exchange a Few Emails with Them:

Hotkitty and its ilk,shaft@hotmail.com are not appropriate email addresses for use in any situation. Additionally, I’m not a fan of obscure combinations of letters and numbers. While it might be immediately apparent to them that this address is their initials/birthday or some such, they are making others work too hard to remember it. And, as we’ve learned, when you make me work too hard I feel stupid, and when I feel stupid, I don’t like you. Instead, have them buy their name as a dot.com. Why? Because linking their email to a service that is used by millions of others (gmail, aol, roadrunner, etc) doesn’t leave the impression of them as unique—as a force to be reckoned with. Buying their name tells others they take themselves seriously.

Make Sure They Have Cards—Not Credit Cards, Business Cards

Again, having a business card signals the world that they take themselves seriously. What do I recommend these include? Their full name and contact information, and multiple ways to reach them (email, snail mail, land line, cell, skype, etc.) Different people are comfortable with different forms of communication—so make sure they have a number of different options on offer. What don’t I want to see? I’d prefer that cards not include a description of what they want to do, because while they may indeed want be a writer, designer, agent, or producer there’s a whiff of desperation to including that on a card. I also don’t recommend including slogans, mission statements, affirmations, inspirational sayings, etc.

Check Out Their Facebook/My Space/Twitter Page:

Don’t kid yourself: employers will be checking these prior to deciding with whom they’re going to follow up. Given this, any postings referencing the intimate details of their personal relationship, GI tract, or mental health; and any photos in which they are drinking, smoking, leering, sneering, suggestively posed, or otherwise indisposed must be deleted. When in doubt, ask the following question: “Does this entry/picture make me sound/look like I can be trusted with $100,000.00?” If it doesn’t, get rid of it. Any protests along the lines of, “But I don’t want people to think I’m not fun,” can be countered with, “They’ll think you’re fun when you can buy them a drink-- because you have a salary.”

"No Sweat" Makes Me Sweat

I did a quick Tweet the other day on my aversion to mixing slang and bodily functions, and received so much mail about it that it occurred to me I might want to write up an 'expanded edition.'

My initial note mentioned that "Pick your brain," "Sweat equity" and "Behavioral Leakage" made me feel nauseated...just a bit cold and clammy. Others added the following-- which I have ranked below in order of ascending (to me) grossness:

Eye candy
Knuckle sandwich
Elbow grease
Long in the tooth
Pissed off
No sweat
Pizza face
and-- the $100,000 winner-- Verbal diarrhea

I look forward (in that way that you watch a horror film through your fingers) to any additions you might have

P.S. Because there were a number of questions about this: "behavioral leakage" is a term used in my field-- media training-- for when a person's words and actions don't match; his or her mouth is saying one thing, but actions are speaking louder....

Victimhood is Powerful-- but it Doesn't Wow

This past weekend, some young chums of mine (10 and 7) took part in a lifeguarding clinic. One of the elements practiced was how to signal to a guard that you were in need of assistance. To do this, they were instructed to tread water, wave their arms over their heads, and yell, "Help!"

After this correct "form" had been demonstrated, the kids were asked,

"Who wants to be a victim?"

This was greeted by a chorus of, "Me, me me!"

The result? These self-appointed "victims" had a chance to be rescued by numerous hunky lifeguards, running toward them in true "Baywatch" style-- hair blowing in the breeze, whistles blowing, lifesaving torpedoes at the ready....

It was easy to see the seduction of the choice.

I'm sure many of you know someone who has a similar response to situations in their life-- someone who eagerly signs up to be saved; who wants nothing more than to cling to the torpedo, be dragged to safety-- and perhaps even given mouth to mouth...

Because, let's face it: victimhood is powerful.

That said, I maintain it does not wow.

And beyond the non-wowing of others, ultimately it doesn't wow those who make the choice-- because if you're always being saved by someone else, you never have the chance to actually build self-esteem.

You never have the satisfaction of saving yourself.

Now, I am not saying that when you find yourself in over your head, it isn't OK to ask for help.

I am also not saying that having a safety plan in place isn't smart.

(In fact, I recommend both of these things-- I'm an advice-asking, safety-first kind of girl.)

What I'm talking about is people who wave and holler before they've even braved the water.

Because, as those of you know who have had the good fortune to safely navigate the personal riptides of your life, there is enormous confidence to be gained from learning to navigate using your own wit and wisdom.

Bananas Have Their Own Bag

An alternative title for "Did They Wow?" has always been, "ThingsI"mNotAvailableFor.com" Among these things, people who put fruit and vegetables in plastic bags at the supermarket or farm stand.
Now, I will admit that bringing in your own bags to collect your groceries is not for everyone (much as I wish it was) but, to me, putting a bunch of carrots in a plastic bag, 3 peaches in a plastic bag, 5 lemons in a plastic bag... All before putting them all in another, larger plastic bag....Well, it's a bit upsetting.
What would I recommend instead?
My request would be to simply lay your fruits and vegetables on the checkout conveyor belt as a unit, and let your cashier round them up (if they've dispersed) and ring them up. The minimal amount of extra effort required is more than made up for by one less plastic bag under your sink and, subsequently, in a landfill.
If you are concerned that they might somehow get "dirty" on the checkout conveyor belt, I would respond that the conveyor belt is no more germy than the hands that put them on the shelf. I'm guessing (hoping) you're going to wash them anyway, so simply rinse them a few moments more.
Now I recognize this isn't a bandwagon everyone is going to want to jump on immediately. If this is true for you-- if you're looking for an incremental step-- I recommend beginning with bananas.
They have their own bag.